


sharp and glorious

by findyourselfinpassion



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: 5+1 Things, AFTG Reverse Big Bang, AFTG Reverse Big Bang 2019, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Hand Jobs, M/M, Rimming, boys just trying to find each other, like a lot, so this is sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 15:15:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18101090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/findyourselfinpassion/pseuds/findyourselfinpassion
Summary: 5+1 times andrew had neil bare underneath him and the one time they both were





	sharp and glorious

It worked, for the most part; it worked just like a knife worked when one ran it against the skin of another and drew blood. And as long as they kept the knife away from any vitals, it would be okay. 

That was how fucking around with Neil felt; dangerous, tempting, fatal. And yet all-consuming and so, so right; because it was Neil handing him the knife and smiling as he did so, placing all confidence and trust into Andrew’s abilities to make it feel good. For both of them. 

They hadn’t yet though. 

Fucked.

They’d gotten farther, better, but not there- 

“Gah-” Neil arched underneath him, hands digging into his scalp and shoulder with every twist of his fingers. “Andrew, yes- right there.” 

This they’d done before though, many, many times. But no matter how practiced they were, or how many times they’d fallen into this routine, Neil never failed to sound like the first time Andrew got on his knees. 

It didn’t take them as long as Andrew had anticipated, the weeks after the championship acting as both a foundation and a kick-start to whatever this was. And Neil had been patient, ignorantly so. It helped that he didn’t know a lot about sex but knew a lot about Andrew. Neil was also oh so amicable, giving Andrew as much space and time as he needed. 

It made it worse-better- in all the right ways. 

Neil moaned again, his body tilting to give Andrew better access and Andrew barely stopped himself from biting out a ‘hate you.’ It was infuriating, the amount of times he was sure one of them was going to slip up only to have Neil balancing it out, doing everything right; keeping his hands where Andrew told them they could be, never taking, and never pushing for more than Andrew could give. 

Andrew twisted his fingers carefully, avoiding the rhythm he’d previously found, and settling for sitting back far enough to watch the way Neil’s brows pinched together, eyes shutting tightly as his mouth opened on a silent gasp. He made sure to drag his fingers in and out slowly, scissoring and opening him up at a pace that probably only made Neil ache more. And it was sinful, practically sinful as Andrew worked Neil open over and over again, his auburn hair drenched in sweat and dark at the roots under the dormroom’s hazing glow as they found pleasure in each other’s bodies. 

Andrew had Neil spread out on his back, a position that showed off his scarred, sculpted abdomen and his icy eyes. Neil’s head was tousled back on Andrew’s pillow as he fought to even out his breathing. They had tumbled back to the room right after the game, letting the others wander to another dorm, sending Kevin a quick text to find somewhere else to stay the night. 

And luckily, the man had listened... for once. 

Neil had been stripped bare before they’d even hit the bed, and Andrew had allowed the causal touches Neil hesitantly ran down his back and across his clothed torso as the light had hit Neil’s scars; a compromise. That had been one of Andrew’s hang ups, what he needed to mentally conquer before the thought of sex or even Neil; Andrew knew what this meant, the causal touches, the heated looks, the swallowed secrets shared between them. Being like this with Neil meant to become vulnerable, to allow himself to be stripped bare, even if it wasn’t in so many words. 

He’d talked to Betsy multiple times ever since he’d kissed Neil that first time on the roof, voiced what he thought and how intact the lines he’d put in place were, in order to ensure minimal damage. Progress, that was what Betsy had praised him for, and ensured that the more he worked at it- no matter how slowly- the closer he would get to the point where he was comfortable. 

A broken gasp brought him back to the present, Neil surging up to suck at his neck as Andrew threw every trick he knew into making Neil feel more than what he was. The touch of his mouth at his jaw, licking and biting ever so gently, sent Andrew’s mind buzzing, heart tumbling down, down, down until his mouth recaptured Neil’s attention. 

In retaliation, Andrew curled his fingers and shoved, Neil’s cry of pleasure the only sound that mattered as Andrew found the spot that made him absolutely crumble, doing nothing to shut him up but everything to send both of them closer to the edge. 

“Andrew, I can’t-” He panted, breaking away from his skin in order to shake his head, “I need to-.”

Andrew sat back, stilling his hand and relishing in the way Neil’s whole body seemed to pause, anticipating Andrew’s next step as Andrew tried to regroup his thoughts. The scene that greeted him when he reopened his eyes was absolutely debauched, Neil’s limbs splayed open on the bed, lips swollen and fingers still seated deep in his hole, legs draped over his thighs. 

“Cum like this,” Andrew finally said, his own voice fractured as he began to work his hand back and forth, leaving the other to trail over Neil’s stomach. 

Neil’s eyes widened, mouth opening to either protest or plead, he didn’t know. 

Whatever Neil was going to say was quickly swallowed up by another moan as Andrew’s pinkie poked at his rim, lining up with his other fingers. 

“‘Drew- oh my god,” It should have been illegal, the sound that passed through Neil’s lips, something half pleading and half a chuckle as his hands open and closed around the sheets. 

“Yes or no?” 

The fervent nod was more than enough, but Andrew was grateful for the litany of “yes, yes yes,” that came along with it, and pushed. 

\---

There were many parts of Neil that Andrew had found attractive right away. Perhaps not within the small, indistinguishable file Wymack and Kevin found him running though right before their visit to Millersport, but when he finally stopped to see him. Neil, with his full mouth, first and foremost, a given right away that made Andrew want to wet his own. Then there was his physique, something that has become honed and radiant over the last year, and the intense (even if tampered with) stare he seemed to have in every situation, especially around Andrew. 

And then there were the things that were so explicitly Neil, things that he has come to learn and find over time, that left Andrew feeling hot and unable to think anytime memories flared in his head. The way his scars looked stretched under the hazy lighting in their room, the way his jaw worked as he waited to tear into a reporter, the way his eyes and hair contradicted themselves in the light in the locker room showers.

And then there was Neil’s hands; scared, calloused, and bruised most of the time, but Neil’s all the same. His hands held a certain story that called out to Andrew’s and he liked it. Like that he could see a fighter held within the knuckles, a survivor by the scarred front, a creator by the fingertips, and an athlete by the palm. 

But those traits are not what left Andrew gasping against him in the dark when they finally found a moment to be alone with each other. 

No, it was the way Neil titled his wrist just right, the way his palm slid up and down Andrew’s shaft before his thumb dug into his slit, the way the pressure was oh so perfect after a hesitant start, that left Andrew a silent mess. 

Yes, Neil had beautiful, skilled hands, but none more so than when he was taking Andrew apart.

And even as Andrew fought to keep himself propped up and still above Neil in his bed, fighting back the content noises that he knew Neil longed to hear, it was Neil that seemed the most enthralled at the moment. Andrew still had his pants on, allowing Neil to push down the hems to his mid thighs enough, but was surprised when Neil said he wanted to keep everything on. He knew it was for Andrew’s sake, but he was silently grateful that they chose to push up Neil’s top but to leave everything else on.

Neil’s own pleasure was forgotten about as he worked his hand slowly, drawing this out for as long as possible, and he drank in the way Andrew looked above him and the way his cock bounced in his grip. Neil’s gasped breaths threw him completely off the first time Andrew had sighed during a handjob and tried to let them out more, but it was hard when he himself was preoccupied with the feel of it all. 

Neil was firm yet patient, unhurried and curious and unpracticed only to make up for it with enthusiasm and quick learning. 

And he was always up for instruction, practically purred from it.

“Faster,” Andrew bit out, his hips stuttering as he fought to keep himself from chasing after his hand. “Focus on the tip.” 

Neil kissed his neck and complied, reaching up to lick at the curve of his jaw as his hand fingered the thick vein on the underside of his cock before circling to slip over his tip slowly, his other hand there to grip Andrew’s base. 

“Fuck-” Andrew swore, the fire that has been building in his core flaring as Neil repeated the trick once, twice, three times. 

He taught him that. The thought sent Andrew spiralling as Neil picked up the pace and retreated to using his whole hand, having had enough time playing games. 

Andrew titled his head away from Neil’s mouth, his own hand slipping to capture Neil’s chin to tilt it up to meet his mouth. 

God, his mouth.

Neil melted under him as his lips tore him apart, tongue sliding in sinfully along his own as Neil’s hand stuttered and fought to pick up the pace only to slow and then continue the cycle over and over, knowing how much Andrew liked it. It left Andrew fighting to regain balance, to stop his hips from snapping forward when Neil slowed down, when he broke away for a second to breathe only to find Neil staring up at him, his mouth parted and lips swollen red. 

The image sent Andrew over the edge just as Neil’s hand sped back up and he had to look away, burying his face in Nei’s neck, biting down as his cock pulsed into Neil’s waiting palm. 

\---

“Tell me if you don’t like it,” Andrew said, giving them plenty of room to maneuver, to pivot if they had to. 

“Okay,” Neil signed against the sheets, knowing Andrew needed to hear his confirmation even if he thought he already knew the outcome of this. 

It was in the way Neil bent his body against the bed, the way his back arched just right and his legs were spread wide enough for Andrew, that told him enough of where they stood with each other, of how far they’ve come. 

Andrew was propped up on his forearms lying on his stomach, shirt off and lube within reach as he scanned Neil’s body. He still had his shirt on, opting for the extra coverage due to the new, exposing position, but as long as Neil was comfortable, Andrew didn’t care. 

He sighed once more before moving in to mouth at Neil’s exposed thighs, the redirection making Neil jump, but then settled easily as Andrew slowly worked upwards. It felt familiar and yet completely different as Andrew left his marks on Neil’s thighs, on his ass, had the same energy but a different execution that made Andrew want to take his time. 

After a half a dozen or so marks later, Neil fully engaged and relaxed against the bed and the pillows propping his hips up, Andrew parted his ass checks and leaned in, making sure Neil knew exactly where he was going next.

“Yes, Andrew,” Neil sighed, having had his fill of foreplay and teasing. 

Out of spite, Andrew dipped his head down and placed a wet kiss to the muscle just underneath his hole, right between his half hard cock. The surprised sound that greeted him set something off in Andrew, his own cock twitching in his briefs as he slowly kissed his way up, only stopping to press his tongue flat against Neil’s hole, licking upward. 

It was sloppy and completely new and exhilarating, especially when he caught sight of Neil’s hand digging into the sheets as Andrew repeated the motion again. But it was the second moan that caught Andrew’s attention, the same moan he would give Andrew as he mouthed at the place right underneath Neil’s ear, and in that moment Andrew new exactly what he wanted to do. 

Andrew moved closer to Neil’s ass and parted his cheeks further as he leaned and placed an open mouth kiss to Neil’s hole, mouthing at the tight muscle over and over as his tongue danced against the rim, probing ever so slightly. 

“Fuck,” Neil whined, legs faltering as Andrew began to eat him out, his hands massaging Neil’s ass as his mouth continued its own exploration. 

Andrew had made sure that Neil had washed himself thoroughly an hour ago, the muscle still stretched out and pink from where Andrew’s fingers had been in the shower. And it had been worth the wait, worth Neil’s distressed look when Andrew had pulled away right before he could finish, when Neil had looked like that and Andrew had changed his mind, had a new idea.

As if remembering the memory, Neil’s body fully relaxed against him, his hole fluttering and relaxing, revealing the lingering stretch as Andrew’s tongue began to dip in.

“Andrew,” Neil panted, his voice muffled by the matress, “Andrew, your mouth-” 

“Do you think you could get off like this?” Andrew couldn’t help asking, breaking away from Neil’s ass as he looked over Neil’s body, his pointer finger rubbing at the spot where his mouth had just been. 

“Yes,” Neil whined, his hips pressing back to meet his hand, Andrew’s fingertip slipping into the muscle partially. “Fuck.”

“You sure?” He stilled his hand and let Neil push against him, watching as Andrew’s finger disappeared into him and then back out.

“Positive.”

Andrew wasn’t convinced, but he sure a hell was curious.

Instead of removing his finger, Andrew leaned back down and licked at the muscle around it, sucking at it as he stroked Neil’s from the inside, careful to avoid his spot. 

“Gah-” Neil moaned, the sound vibrating through the bed as Andrew continued his ministrations, his mouth wet and firm as he pulled at the muscle, giving his mouth and tongue more to access. “Yes, yes yes.”

It was intoxicating, the way Neil responded and the way it made Andrew feel as his tongue pressed in besides his finger, pressing as far it could go as his lips continued to work him over and over again. It was something Andrew felt drunk on, the pulse of Neil’s heart beat against the bed, the way his moans broke every time his finger moved within in, catching on his prostate, the way he wanted to please Neil.

“I’m so close,” he whined, his hips back up in position as the mved minutely, unable to keep still as Andrew pressed the tip of a second finger against his hole. 

Knowing this, Andrew pulled his finger back until it pressed right there and sucked on his rim, the tips of his fingers still embedded in him as his thumb pressed on his scrotum. It sent Neil over the edge immediately, his hips chasing after the hands free orgasm as his cock spilled against the pillows, Andrew’s name on his lips. 

And Andrew smirked.

\----

Neil kissed his wrist, a place where demons hid and memories lingered with specters of their own, the raised lines on Andrew’s skin pale from the daily use of the armbands, now visible under the rooms slanted glow. It was painful, it was tender. It was everything Andrew Minyard never expected out of life, had given up hope on receiving long before he knew the true cruelties of the world. 

Andrew flipped them over carefully so he could be on top, still succeeding in holding onto whatever small amount of raw control he had left as Neil’s lips broke away peacefully from his skin and into a content smile that made his pulse jump. 

Andrew hated him. 

Hated how much Neil trusted him, how much he himself has come to trust the man beneath him in return. But more than that, he hated the way Neil was content with whatever Andrew had in mind, knowing that he would keep him safe, that Andrew would be careful with him. Neil had come to be okay with almost anything Andrew decided. When it came to this- them. It left Andrew vulnerable and struck bare, something that was beginning to seem less and less threatening and more- he didn’t know. 

“Andrew,” Neil soothed, coaxing him out of his own thoughts once more, Neil probably saw the all too familiar threat begin to settle in Andrew's mind.

Neil knew better than to reach out and touch Andrew during times like this, where the past bled into the present. So when Neil tucked the tips of his fingers under his back, Andrew didn’t comment. Instead, he waited, hand extended over Neil’s lithe frame as he tracked the path of scars that began at Neils hips and ran all the way up to his collar bones, to his face. 

Neil nodded. 

Andrew traced a careful hand across Neil’s naked chest, fingers dancing from scar to scar in silent reverence as he watched the way Neil fought to keep his breathing even. The countless misshapen lines and oblong shapes were brutal memorials that commemorated a dead identity who had every right to run, each mark telling its own story of a handcrafted prose composed of pain and devastation. 

Andrew often felt most grounded like this, when they faced each other not as equals who shared the same pain, but as individuals who have come to understand one another without the hindrance of words.

“I want to take you apart,” Andrew muttered as he settled their bodies against one another, acutely aware of the amount of clothes he still had on between their painful erections, sitting back so he could finishing tracing a fine line down the center of Neil’s abdomen with his finger as he watched surprise turn into lust. “Yes or no?”

His hand broke away from Neil’s skin to pull at one of the exposed wrists gently, freeing Neil’s fingers from their makeshift cage. Neil complied easily, letting his hand be guided from the bedding to Andrews own wrist besides his head, hesitation flickering only once in his eyes as he met Andrews gaze. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew whispered again, leaning down as Neil’s thumb connected with the first row of mended skin. 

“Yes, always.” 

\---

It was something Andrew had been toying with ever since he and Neil had stood face to face in the locker room showers with nothing more but their briefs and arm bands on, ever since Andrew crowded Neil against the stall and rocked into him-once, twice-only to be greeted with a gasp and a reverent mark on his throat before falling into a messy set of handjobs. 

Now, he had Neil on his back, still in their briefs but without their arms bands and with their nightshirts on, and he couldn’t help but want as the morning light filtered into their room. 

“We can,” Neil said, hands wound and tangled in his hair as Andrew explained what he was remembering, his body hovering over Neil’s. “I’ve been thinking about that too.”

And over the past few weeks, months, Andrew has been greeted with the pleasant feeling that yes, they could. That yes, it could be as simple as two people wanting the same thing and needing the same thing and acting on the same thing. It was a long time coming, and still would take a long time to get there fully, if ever. But it was a relief when Neil said yes before Andrew even truly considered it, Andrew was okay to say yes too.

So he tried, starting with a careful, measured shift of his hips against Neil’s, which was as good as it felt before, better even. It lacked all of the tension and inner turmoil Andrew had burning through his head when he had quickly asked Neil yes or no in the shower. It was good, and once they got past the first through practiced shifts, Andrew let it fold into a firm rock that made them both gasp at the pleasant friction. 

“Move,” Andrew told Neil as he let himself melt into sensation, as Neil’s hands in his hair and across his back urged him on.

There was a moment where Andrew thought he wouldn’t, but as soon as Andrew went to look at him, Neil’s hips met his in a hesitate upward tilt, the tip of Andrew’s cock meeting Neil’s. The shift threw them off rhythm, ripping a growl from Andrew’s throat, but not before they both heard the shared gasp. 

“Oh my god-” Neil breathed as Andrew led them back into a pattern, his left hand guiding Neil’s hips into his. 

They settled into it then, hips moving in tandem even if falling out of sync here and there, but quickly regrouping. But no matter how frantic their movements became, there was something about Neil’s mouth that made Andrew want to slow down, even if it was just in their kissing. He made sure it was deeper, smoother, a balance that left Andrew’s heart pounding in his chest.

“Briefs off,” Andrew bit out as he chased a sensation that was enough but not as perfect as it could be. “Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

They fumbled to tug each other’s underwear down enough to free their cocks, Andrew’s hand lining them up before Neil’s hand hovered above his own. They looked at each other for a split second, neither moving before Andrew nodded. And the feeling that came with having Neil’s hand over the top of his own, both cocks in hand, was more than enough to spur him back into motion. Together.

\----

Sentiment was a heavy word that felt unbalanced in Neil’s mouth. He didn’t hold any love or reverence for his past, hated the marks on his body as much as the men who were responsible for their presence, hated the way his father looked back at him every time he passed a mirror; his mother’s mouth pressed tightly together as his father eyes peered back at him. 

But Neil was a hypocrite by nature, and in so many other ways, and would be the liar he was if he said he didn’t feel sentiment for other things. He was taught to hold onto very little and only the important, that having a lot of things would slow him down and get him killed, so Neil learned to treasure the essentials. And that instinct, that leftover bile of fight-or-flight response had left its mark on the things he had come to hold close, things he refused to give up. They served no major importance, no key significance to his survival, but he kept them nonetheless because they meant something; the keys, Andrew’s lighter, the bruise from Andrew’s mouth hidden in the crest of his hip bone. Those things, no matter how insignificant to others, meant something to Neil.

They didn’t celebrate holidays like the others did, didn’t buy gifts just to buy gifts for Christmas, didn’t go out for big expensive dinners on birthdays. But those moments in life were celebrated regardless, even if it wasn’t in the conventional ways the world did, and they even celebrated other days that passed the world by as insignificant as any other. But not to them. One year, that was how long it’d been since Baltimore, since the game he had played thinking it was his last, since the hours spent under flashing street lights and brutal fire, since he thought the last thing he would see was his father's cruel grin leering down at him as he screamed. 

Neil thought he was given the night to live, maybe a little less if he played his cards right. 

But here he was, three hundred and sixty five days later, stuck wandering the small kitchen of the house in search of more coffee grounds as the skies shook apart and crashed above him without hurting. The storm was what first woke him up this morning, rain pattering against the window as Andrew slept on, quiet and subdued as Neil’s breath evened out. 

There had been no nightmares, no overwhelming sense of panic pushing at his chest or clawing away at his mind, not at all what he had prepared himself for. They had talked about this before, had planned to take Neil to Columbia for the long weekend in case he needed to fall apart alone and in the only place that ever felt like home. But none of those things came for him, not on the drive here yesterday, or in the early hours this morning, or now. Instead, there was a heavy feeling of accomplishment, of growth and ownership and victory. 

He had made it, had lasted the night and was (somehow) lucky enough to win. He’d been bandaged up, interrogated and shipped back to Palmetto with his teammates, with Andrew, and had gone onto taking down the number one team in the game and had been promised a life of Exy. Yes, he had his days, ones where his scars stood out a little too much against his skin, or when the darkness crept a little too close to his memories and sliced. But today was not one of those days; there was nothing to look back on and fear today, only the future and the present ahead, both of which shook with anticipation and life. 

“Neil.” 

Andrew stood against the frame leading into the kitchen, his hair disheveled and pose relaxed, forearms bare. There’d only been a handful of times where Andrew had walked around with his armbands when it was just him and Neil and the silence spaces between them. 

They’d come a long way from when Andrew needed to keep them on around Neil, only taking them off when they were shrouded in the dark, their breaths pinched and close together as their bodies ached. 

Growth. 

“Hi.” 

Andrew studied him for a few more seconds, wordlessly analyzing everything from his face to his stance, to the empty coffee mug that dangled in Neil’s left hand, before crossing the space and opening the cupboard above the cutting board. The coffee grounds were a slight mess, the bag half open against the shelf which forced Andrew to climb slightly onto the counter in order to sweep them into his palm. The movement caused his black shirt to rise at the waist and Neil averted his eyes quickly, face heating. 

“I didn’t see them in there the first time.” Neil said quietly, reaching out to grab the bag as Andrew came down. 

Andrew only looked at him before moving to turn the coffee maker on, fingers slow and limbs heavy still with sleep, “No morning run?” 

“And get electrocuted?” Neil chuckled as thunder continued to shake the house, filling their quiet routine with an unexplainable depth as they worked their way around each other, gathering food and preparing breakfast. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

Andrew waved him off, but Neil knew that Andrew had probably been up as soon as Neil made up his mind to get out of bed. 

The rain was a welcome background noise as they sat and had breakfast in peace, both trying to officially wake up. Neil really didn’t need that much time but it usually took Andrew a lot longer, especially on their days off when they had nowhere to be and nothing planned. It was different when Andrew needed to be up; he was a light sleeper by brutal nature, but that didn’t necessarily make him a morning person. 

So it was surprising when he sat there at the kitchen table, quiet but not in the tired way, but in the very Andrew-like way, something Neil was used to in the middle of the day, in the early evenings. Andrew was alert and entirely ready for something, probably prepared to clean up whatever impending breakdown he thought Neil was going to have. 

“What’s up?” Neil finally said, pushing aside the paper he was reading in order to look at Andrew unobstructed. 

Andrew looked up over his book, eyes landing on Neil and reanalyzing again. 

And that was all Neil thought he was going to get, a quiet reprimand and dismissal by staredown. 

But after a few moments, Andrew let out a quiet sigh. The world seemed to hold its breath. “I want to try something today.” 

Neil’s heart jumped. He knew that tone, knew what Andrew was implying in the way his mouth parted and the way he looked at him. “Something?” 

Thunder crashed once overhead, lightning flashing around the small space as they waited. 

“Yes or no?” 

Neil nodded, “Yeah.” 

There was nothing that he didn’t want to try with Andrew. Neil didn’t want to refuse him for two very distinct reasons; one of them being personal selfishness and the other because Andrew never really asked for anything, so when he did, he really wanted it. Which meant Andrew had poured over every thought endlessly, going over every edge and fray and tear until he was sure, taking the time to run through all the barriers and obstacles for them both. 

“Later,” Andrew ceded, picking himself up and moving to the living room with his book, leaving Neil to clean up the dishes. 

Later. 

Later... 

Later, it seemed, meant that night after dinner, after Andrew spent the day silently watching Neil’s anticipation build, watching him practically in his skin. Neil couldn’t help it, not when Andrew looked at him like that, not when careful fingertips brushed against his sides in the kitchen before lunch, or when Andrew went out that afternoon only to return indiscreetly with a new box of condoms and lube. 

He was both surprised yet completely ready when Andrew leaned over and captured his mouth as soon as Neil sat down on the couch after cleaning up dinner, ready to endure whatever show Andrew wanted to watch before they went to bed. But this was much, much better, if not slightly unexpected. 

Andrew liked to have things planned out, their sex life revolving around a strict time frame more than urges and spurs of the moments. Which was fine by Neil, who was  
also one for privacy, especially when it came to Andrew. It was routine, but also something completely surprising and exciting each time. 

Andrew had told him in the past about some of his conversations with Betsy, especially the ones that involved him, so Neil knew that he was working on bettering his mental, emotional and physical self when it came to this, and Neil was especially proud when it showed.

Andrew rocked them down into the couch, abandoning the spot of standing over him to straddle Neil’s waist, bending their mouths together over and over again until Neil wanted to simply melt into Andrew’s touch. It was enough to have Andrew’s hands in his hair and at his neck, tilting their heads together until they matched perfectly, was enough to be pushed back into the cushions, Andrew’s body a pleasant weight keeping him in place. 

There was no getting over this, Neil realized as Andrew let a gentle gasp slip past his lips; he didn’t know how Andrew simply went on living his life with every memory of this etched perfectly intact into his memory. Neil would be lucky if he walked away sane after this weekend, and that was without the ability to remember everything in vivid color and detail. 

His lungs were on fire, hands sorching to touch but refusing to reach out. Andrew had told him that he wanted to try something, which meant unfamiliar territory, which meant all previous allowances were not a definite yes here and Neil would rather face his father’s knife again then to cross one of Andrew’s boundaries without explicit permission. 

And Andrew knew that. Knew it in the way Neil kissed him back without that desperate heat. They both knew Neil sunk in once things got deeper, acutely aware of Neil’s  
hands digging into the fabric at his sides. 

“Here,” Andrew sighed, pulling Neil’s hands from his sides to rest them at his waist, curling Neil’s fingers into the hem of his shirt. 

There was so much Andrew was giving, so much leeway and allowance that left Neil feeling dizzy. Neil looked up at him, confused and cautious as Andrew guided his hands under the lifted edge, Neil’s fingers sliding against smooth, unmarred skin. 

Andrew nodded at Neil’s hesitation, letting his own hands drop away as Neil tentatively explored his sides, then his stomach, his lower back. 

Once Andrew knew Neil wasn’t going to pull away, once Neil knew Andrew was still okay with this, Andrew leaned over to recapture his lips, hiding the expression that was just beginning to surface in Neil’s neck, “I’ll tell you when I want it off.” 

“Okay,” Neil breathed, relaxing into the feeling of Andrew’s mouth slowly marking his throat, reveling in the newfound heat he held in his palms. 

They fell back into their familiar rhythm, the push and pull of their mouths engulfing anything else that was going on in the world. The storm that had been brewing all day was back in full force, pounding against the walls of the house and making itself known as Andrew took Neil apart bit by bit. It was a constant onslaught that matched the vicious beat of their hearts pressed tightly against one another, their bodies rocking with the wind and rain and colliding in a epicenter of both want and need. 

It wasn’t until Andrew shifted in Neil’s lap, a movement that lined them up perfectly against each other that they both stopped long enough to breathe. 

Neil couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his mouth, leaning his head back into Andrew’s waiting hand as he dared to look up. He found Andrew watching him with a focused intent, something that was laced with underlying amusement as his gaze landed on Neil’s upturned mouth and disheveled hair. 

“We’ve done this before, idiot.” A reprimand without any true heat as Andrew tugged at the back of his hair, dragging Neil’s head back at an angle that made it easier for him to a kiss along the underside of his jaw. 

Neil sighed, his smile widening, “I know.” 

The hum Andrew emitted sent something hot and heavy racing down Neil’s core, his hands closing around Andrew’s waist as Neil tilted his head as far back as the couch would allow. 

“Bedroom.” Andrew bit out, finishing his hickey quickly finishing before sliding out of Neil’s grasp. 

But he hadn’t moved far enough away to allow Neil an easy way up without knocking into Andrew, so Neil had nowhere to go but into Andrew as he stood, the motion causing them to bump chests. Andrew caught him midstep, hands tangling their way back into his hair as he kissed him towards the hallway. Fumbling hands met fraying hems and pressed creases, their shirts gone somewhere around the kitchen and pants just at the bottom of the stairs. 

They fumbled their way to their bedroom on the second floor, Neil knocking his knee into the side table outside the door, a laugh tearing its way from his mouth before Andrew could swallow it. And Neil felt light and free in that moment, his body arched towards Andrew as they kissed against the threshold, forgetting about the urgency they had downstairs for a few moments in this quiet bliss. 

“I want to fuck you,” Andrew finally said, fingers gripping Neil’s sides, weighing the words that seemed to hover right between their mouths. 

“Yes,” Neil exhaled, the lingering smile still tugging at his lips, just trying to catch his breath. “It’s a yes.” 

Getting the door open took a few seconds longer when neither moved to pull away from the other, falling back into that heat current that swept away past stops and starts and focused them on the present, how they felt right now and how far they’ve come. 

Neil was glad that they had failed to make the bed today, the comforter already tossed to the side as they tumbled onto the soft surface; it was a lot easier to just change the sheets than it was to wash the comforter. 

It was hard to focus on what was coming next whenever Andrew had his hands on him, when his mouth threatened to consume everything under their ministrations. It was so easy to just melt into the bed as Andrew’s body found the places against Neil where they fit oh so well together, moving over him under there was nothing left but Andrew. 

Everywhere. 

“I want you like this,” Andrew breathed, propping himself up enough to look down at Neil, enough space to gauge his reaction without any carnal interferences. 

“On my back?” He smirked, running his fingers through Andrew’s hair as he looked down at Neil with only the small amount of annoyance. 

Neil smiled when Andrew nodded, pulling him down into another kiss one more time before relenting as Andrew’s hands found his waist and pushed him to the middle of the bed. 

God, Neil never thought being manhandle would make him feel like this. The fact that Andrew could just move him however and wherever he wanted left a scorching mark in the back of his throat, something that threatened to consume the last of his sanity whenever Andrew exhibited it. 

“What do you need?” Andrew whispered against his throat, one hand pinning Neil’s to the bed above his head as he cradled the other close to his chest. 

Instead of the past creeping in, he was greeted with the warmth of past times in this bed, of the crowd cheering his name after a brutal game, of Andrew in a motel room dripping wet but helping him into a towel before anything else. It could be hard and fast, but there was always something about slow and steady, of deep and more and just them that had more weight right then. 

Neil tapped the hand Andrew had cradling close to his heart, watching Andrew closely as his answer settled and relief eased the tension in his shoulders. 

The kiss Andrew gave him told Neil that this was Andrew’s first choice too as he released Neil’s hands and began his slow descent down from Neil’s mouth to his jaw, his collarbone, lower and lower still until he was resting in the space between Neil’s legs, sucking a slow bruise into his hip bone. 

Neil was used to Andrew’s bite, used to the way he shielded himself through calm, bored expressions and dark clothing and quick wit, but he never would be able to get over just how much he loved the way it felt against his skin. 

And he told him as much, which earned him a sharp nip in retaliation. 

And he loved Andrew like this, light and open and teasing as he nibbled at the skin right about the waistband of his underwear, fingers kneading at his thighs and working closer and closer to the seams. 

“Yes,” Neil breathed once Andrew found a corner piece of cloth and tugged with his teeth, fingers hooking into the band as his eyes flashed up to meet his. 

And he worked at his briefs, his legs, his clothed cock for minutes, hours, teasing and pulling and replacing over and over again under Neil’s fingers were pulling at Andrew’s hair. It was so good, so close and just as intimate as anything else they have ever done even as they still sat semi-clothed. 

Patience was one of the first things that came to mind when he thought of what he has learned since being with Andrew; the importance of patience and stamina and endurance quickly following family , loyalty and courage, but not by much as he finally tugged off his underwear. 

“Spread your legs a bit more,” Andrew directed, completely ignore how breathless he left Neil as he fought to do what he was told. 

Once he was situated between Neil, Andrew chanced one more look up at him before running his hands up the underside of his thighs, fingers dinging in and pushing under he had Neil folded, whole exposed. 

“You prepped yourself?” Andrew purred, mouth soothing over the already stretched muscle, licking and sucking until Neil’s legs were shaking in his hands. 

Neil laughed, something long and syrupy as he just felt, more than thought about what Andrew was doing, what he had asked before he slowly started to take him apart. 

“I got carried away,” he finally panted, eyes shuddering. “Thought I was being- oh fuck- helpful.” 

Andrew kissed the back of Neil’s thigh before lower his legs and moving out from underneath them.

Neil had gotten carried away with making sure he was opened up, his ass thoroughly stingy enough to the point where he didn’t know if he would be able to keep up with the calm facade all night or not. 

He knew the thought of himself in the shower, on his knees under the spray did things to Andrew, the image of Neil on the edge but waiting for him never something that failed to send him over the edge. And he really was trying to be proactive, helpful even. 

It was paying off. 

Andrew leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed the bottle of lube and box of condoms from the bedside table, throwing them down next to them before leaning back over Neil’s body to recapture his mouth. 

It was quick and biting, a last chance act of tenderness before what came next. But it was something quieter, something a little sweeter and exposing as Andrew slowed everything down until their lips were just touching each other, eyes opened. 

It was then that Andrew leaned back and hooked his fingers into the hem of his own underwear and dragged them off. But it wasn’t something hidden in the dark, or something Neil never let his eyes linger because he never wanted Andrew to feel vulnerable. 

This though, this was Andrew saying he could as he leaned back on his thighs and just sat between Neil’s legs, two men bare to each other beyond anything. No walls, no rules, no few minute gap in time. No, this was Andrew saying he knew how vulnerable Neil felt, how far they’ve come and how far they are still willing to go. 

“Come here,” Neil said, leaning up to guide Andrew closer to him as Neil looked at everything, fingertips tracing across Andrew’s upper arms, down his chest, across his thighs. 

They fell into a warm rhythm of kissing and touching, Andrew’s hands running up his sides, across his back as Neil’s traced circles on the top of his thighs, his shoulder.  
In the middle of it, Neil knew his other hand was working open the lube as his mouth worked open Neil’s, the snap of the cap matching the parting of their lips and the cool fingers at his entrance matching the sharp bite of his teeth on his lower lip. 

Andrew guided Neil back to the bed as he started with one, but quickly added another when he was met with no resistance, the feel of Andrew finally, finally in him causing Neil’s head to drop against the pillows. 

“God, Andrew-” Neil groaned, hands bunching in the sheets as Andrew worked him back open, twisting and curling his fingers every other thrust. “Fuck, just like that.”

He worked him open for another few minutes, making sure to miss his spot more than usual as he added a third finger and watched as Neil gasped and shuddered. 

The wince that danced against his features when Andrew pulled out never seemed to go away, but they both knew it was not out of pain but out of desperation. 

“Tell me when it’s a no,” Andrew said after he got the condom on, his eyes steady even as his heart beat out of control.

“Okay,” Neil reassured, knowing he needed to hear it just as much as Neil needed to be reminded every now and then, “But don’t hold back.” 

It was both a challenged and an allowance, a green card to let Andrew crash against him, broken edges and all, just like they always have. 

The push of Andrew against him never got old, the moment he finally was in him and leaning until there was no where else to go just as sweet as everything in the middle or even before the end. He made sure to relax his muscles, to allow his breathing to even out as he bared down and enjoyed, waiting for Andrew to find himself. 

The next few, shallow thrusts were just as good, dragging a sound out of Neil that made him blush down his neck and chest as Andrew watched. 

And in that moment, as Andrew let out a breath and found a solid rhythm above him, a steady yet careening pace that had Neil throwing his head back against the sheets, he let himself live. Truly live in that moment and relinquish all of his past and hurt and terror and just be, to enjoy this fragile yet powerful thing that he had help grow between himself and Andrew.

Andrew, Andrew who had matched him every step of the way, who had challenged and enraged and provoked him until only truths laid between them. He had picked Neil apart only to allow him the freedom to come to him once it was deemed safe enough for his family, allowed neil the chance to be apart of something if he wanted only to open a door that led them here. There was nothing that he regretted about that day he took the keys from them in the doorway just a few feet below them; Andrew had told him to stay, had opened himself up to Neil and he accepted. 

And through every misstep, every failure and pain, Andrew was there, matching him vulnerability for vulnerability until they were stripped bare and panting from it.  
“I’m not going to last,” he gasped as Andrew rocked into him, over and over and over again. He was sure he was hurting Andrew’s head, his fingers tugging relentlessly at the fair strands long enough to hold onto and then some at the top of his head, but Andrew didn’t comment. 

It was all so good, the feel of Andrew above him, the feel of Andrew inside him just as pleasing as the way Andrew made him felt every other day. He wouldn’t ver grow tired of this, even if they did it every day for the rest of their lives. Even if they never did this again, this feeling he had for Andrew would remain. 

Neil slung his arms across Andrews shoulders at one particularly hard thrust that sent stars streaking across his vision, his breath catching on a long moan. Andrew chuckled as he waited, sunk deep within Neil as he hooked his arms under Neil’s back and pulled him up into his lap. 

It took a little readjustment of his limbs, his legs wobbly and stiff from where they had been bracketing Andrews hips, but the angle was sinful so it was worth it.  
He stayed in Andrew’s arms, head buried in the crook of his neck as he tried to match Andrew’s hips as much as he could until he was shaking apart. 

“Andrew,” he panted, practically whined as Andrew stilled and let him ride out his orgasm, watching as Neil pushed himself at his own pace. “Fuck, Andrew.” 

Andrew only needed to few more thrusts after that, biting down on Neil’s shoulder as his own orgasm washed over him. That was a feeling that he would also never grow tired of. It was only becoming commonplace for Andrew to get off in front of him, but still rare that he finished in Neil. 

There was an unspoken truce that they had come to over these last six months; Andrew wanted to get Neil off first whenever they had sex. And he understood why Andrew needed that, respected it, but it never really dulled the guilt that took hold deep within Neil after. 

So for Andrew to stay, to continue until he was finished and to keep Neil close like this was everything. 

Neil ran his fingers through Andrew’s hair as he waited for him to move first, trying to fix the mess he made to the golden strands as he tried to stay as still as possible.  
“That was amazing,” he finally said once Andrew’s hands found his sides again, once his head rolled back enough so he could peer up at Neil. 

Andrew nodded and kissed Neil’s shoulder, and Neil knew he needed to move. 

Trying to get his legs to corporate was the main problem, his legs stiff and a little sore, but they got it. They had enough forethought and experience from the other times they were here in like this to put wipes and tissues under the bed, and he was ever so thankful to their past selves in that moment. Andrew tosses Neil a wipe as he leaned back on the bed, watching as Neil sat on the edge and wiped himself off as much as he could. 

“We’ll need to change the sheets,” Neil smirked, Tosses the wipe into the garbage by the bed as Andrew tied up the condom. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

There was something relaxed about the way Andrew held himself, in the way he didn’t move to grab for his clothes or armbands or lighter. It was growth, a development that had taken a lot of years and struggle and setbacks, but growth nonetheless and it made something inside him want to cave, want to say those three words that never meant anything to him. Until now. 

“Go shower,” Andrew said.

Neil was an open book to him, something that had taken a long time to decode, but an open book now regardless. He knew what Neil was thinking, knew they were on the brink of something but not ready, not just yet.

So Neil smiled, something small and only for them knowing that it was a possibility someday, and stood. 

He was grateful that the bathroom was just across the hall, too lazy to get redressed but just beginning to become uncomfortable in his own skin. There was a towel and soap already in the shower, checking twice to make sure because he has forgotten in the past and has had to yell to Andrew for help before, and turned on the water. He loved everything about this house, including this tiny, teal colored bathroom with its fantastic water pressure and perfect heat settings, even though it took a while for it to get started up. 

But the one thing that he still hated about this bathroom was the large mirror on the wall right across from the shower, something he couldn’t escape now matter how hard he tried. And he resented the fact that the scars that mirrored him stood out a little brighter today, his blue eyes a little colder than they were yesterday.  
What a difference a year makes, 365 days later and at a completely opposite spectrum of life, of feeling and emotion and knowledge. There was no way to escape their pasts, no way to warn off the nightmares that still come up sometimes or the pain way they had to choke back the truth of it all on those rare days. But they were both still here, and they had made it. 

Together. 

“Hey,” Andrews voice was a cool balm as it broke through the wall Neil’s mind seemed to be construction, tearing him gently from his thoughts.

Neil turned in time to see Andrew leaning against the doorway, still just as bare as Neil had left him. 

It was in the moment that Neil resigned and let the weight he’d been cautiously preparing for all day to settle over him for that collective second as he leaned into Andrew’s embrace.

But it wasn’t something that was overwhelming or suffocating, wasn’t something he needed to curl into a ball over and count backwards from one hundred in order to breathe. Instead it was a sharp nostalgia laced with its own inner and physical scarring, something that he could feel in his head as much as he could on his own body. But the scars acted as reminders, reminders of everything that he’s had overcome and everything that led him here. 

“Your name is Neil Josten,” Andrew said against his neck, his hand coming up to cup the back of his neck as Neil curled his hands around his shoulder blades.  
Neil Josten, Neil josten, Neil josten.

Neil, someone who he made, someone who had a clean slate and had a love for exy and an unhealthy fascination with math and Chinese food. Someone who cut a deal with the yakoza, who grew roots and extended his heart out to make his own home. Someone who Andrew Minyard could hold like this and trust, could talk to for hours and kiss for longer than that.

Someone who looked like his father but had buried the son in Baltimore. 

“And you survived.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you SO SO much to Cindy (idnis) for being a wonderfu beta! I know this as A LOT to go thru but you did a wonderful job and I appreciate all your time!  
> And to my BEYOND talented artist Tiara (BloodyDamnit),, thank you thank you thank you for allowing me to write this fic based off your insanely beautiful art piece for the reverse Big Bag! I would love to work with you anytime in the future! lots of love!! go check it out over at https://bloodydamnit.tumblr.com/post/183431796099/hello-everyone-here-is-my-first-version-of-this


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